Copy Machine Butt Investigation

Hello?

Hey, I'm trying to reach Vaughn, please.

Uh, this is Vaughn.

Who is this?

Vaughn, this is Darius.

Darius with human resources.

How are you?

Uh, I'm doing fine.

Can I help you?

Yeah, listen.

We um have an incident that has taken place at the job.

You actually what floor are you on, Vaughn?

I'm on floor twelve.

Floor twelve.

All right.

Do you use the copy machine that often on that floor?

Uh, not all the time, but I do use it every once in a while.

Okay.

Every once in a while.

So here's what's going on.

There's gonna be some actions being taken place here pretty soon, some legal actions.

And we're just clearing everybody, you know.

This is this is just a proper procedure that we're having to go through.

So let me just kind of enlighten you on what's taking place.

Someone um on the twelfth floor has copied their butt on a piece of paper in the copy machine.

So someone actually sat up on the Xerox machine and copied their butt.

Why someone would do that, I have no earthly idea.

But what's happening now is everyone on your floor is gonna have to come in and show their butt.

So we're scheduled.

This now.

I'm thinking Friday at 11 a.m.

Would that be suitable for you to come?

Uh uh uh uh uh uh y'all y'all talk to uh y'all talking about y'all want me to come up there and show show my show my b because somebody I'm a grown man.

Okay, I'm a grown man.

I ain't do that.

Okay, you know what?

I believe you.

I believe you wholeheartedly, Vaughn, but just to clear your name, we have to uh I hate to say it, clear your butt as well.

So we want to make sure we're we're gonna find out whose butt this is on a piece of paper that did this.

We're gonna find out.

You're gonna find out who's you're gonna find out who the cheeks those are, and you're gonna find out real quick, they're not mine.

All right, I'm not doing that, man.

I'm not gonna come in.

You say a Friday?

You're doing this on Friday at the Friday at 11.

Not coming in my day off so I can pull my pants down, but some strangers look at my really look at my look at my cheeks talking about somebody copy.

I'm not doing that.

I don't I don't want to I don't want this to take a turn, Vaughn.

Because right now, this is if you're not if you're saying you're not coming in, then other actions will be taking place if you don't come in and follow the procedure that everybody's saying.

Everybody else uh that I'm calling, they have to come in.

How many how many people work on that floor?

There's at least eighty plus people on that floor.

You talking about trying to have eighty plus people come in, drive all the way to work, so some strangers people we don't even know can look at our look at our cheeks.

And I'm not gonna do that.

I don't know who did it, but I know they ain't me.

Well somebody, somebody Xerox their butt on the twelfth floor, and we're gonna get to Okay, but we're gonna get to the bottom of who did it.

And what you're what you're not gonna do, Vaughn, is tell me you're not coming in.

What you're not gonna do.

Do you like your job here with this company?

Oh, okay.

What you're not gonna do is act like you're gonna fire me because I'm not gonna show y'all my sweet goodies just Because you just cause you from HR?

You got me fooled if you actually expect me to think that everybody that works on this floor is over here like, oh yeah, sure, I'll I'll let some strangers look in my eyes, look at my crack.

You must be playing.

No, sir, not with me.

I can find this.

Let me ask let me let me ask you this.

Do you have a co-worker named Andre?

Andre, yes.

Andre says he knows you.

Now, I'm just gonna put it out here.

Andre is stating that it could have possibly been you.

Really?

Andre got the nerve to say it could have been me.

Man, f Andre.

Why did he try to single me out?

Like I even use that damn copier.

I don't around there playing games.

I'm a grown man.

He must be out of his d mind thinking he gonna say I did it.

All I know is he stated that you were a possibility.

That's what that's what he stated.

He said I was a possibility.

That's fing dumb.

He ain't have absolutely no reason to think.

I don't even use that copier, man.

I use that thing like once every two, three weeks.

Okay.

Everybody on that floor.

Okay, so out of once every two, three weeks, is there a possibility?

Maybe you propped your butt up there and and copied it?

Not at all.

Y'all don't even told me when this happened.

I probably wasn't even working when the booty cheeks got scammed on the b you can wait.

You must be out your mind.

You can waste everybody else's time trying to bring everyone in to get a free strip show, but you're not gonna do that to me.

This has to be unethical and illegal on so many levels.

You trying to come in and say everybody on the entire floor has to come show their cheeks?

Man, you must be fing kidding me.

What's your name?

Whole time you're trying to call me saying this is HR.

What's your name?

Because when I'm I I'm I'm Dari, I'm Darius out of human resources.

I told you that when I first called you.

Well, Darius, well, Darius, when I do come into work, you the fuck I want to see.

Let me ask you this, Bond.

Do you know Leslie?

Leslie, I know that m better not even say my name.

But so you do know Leslie.

Yes, I know Leslie.

She works there with me.

So you trying to tell me that Leslie said the s too?

Uh do you want to know what Leslie said?

Yes.

I would like to know what Leslie said.

So when I cuss her out, I get it right.

Okay.

Leslie told me to tell you that this is nephew Tommy from the Steve Harvey Morning Show.

And you just got pranked by your coworker, Leslie and Andre.

Oh man.

Leslie and Andre got me to prank phone call you, man.

Dude, I was uh Man, I was pissed.

Yeah, your uncle is right, bro.

Somebody is gonna whoop your ass.

And I bet I bet it's this year.

All right, boss.

Tell me this, man.

What is the baddest and I mean the baddest radio show in the land.

The Steve Harvey morning show.

Somebody is definitely gonna whoop your ass.

There it is.

I I'm maybe I'm the only one that, you know, done done what Buttman and Dunna.

Maybe I'm the only one.

You understand?

I mean, I've seen it done in movies and stuff like that.

You work, you work you used to work with your hood.

Y'all ain't never been in the copy room and laid across that copy machine.

Y'all ain't.