Stop Burning That Barbecue

Hello.

Hello.

I'm trying to read Gerald.

Yeah, it's Gerald.

Uh who's calling?

Hey Gerald, this this is Calvin, man.

You um you live a couple blocks over from me, man.

I've been I've been I just wanted to reach out to you.

One of the neighbors gave me your number, man.

And uh I just wanted to tell you, I've been I don't want no, um I'm sorry, I don't want no subscriptions or nothing, brother.

I might as well cut you off right now.

Uh uh what now?

Subscriptions.

You call them about some subscriptions or something.

No, no, no, no.

I'm a neighbor, my man.

I'm I'm I'm just a couple blocks over from you.

No, I got your number for one of the neighbors.

I was I was calling to let you know I've been smelling you, I've been smelling your barbecue, man.

That's what I was calling about.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Man, you you've been grilling every day, seemed like over there.

I've been smelling the smoke in there.

You you you over there putting it down, huh?

I mean, uh I'm I I think thank you for the compliment.

But um, yeah, I mean, now you say I I mean I had nothing else to do but cook, you know, in these times.

I mean, I might as well do what I'm good at, you know.

Who who who gave you my number though?

Uh it's a guy on your street.

Uh last name, Edwards.

I can't remember to do first name.

I call him Edwards.

I think he lives on your street.

I'm not sure.

Uh so what you what you what you cook and smoke?

Man, I I cook I burn a little bit.

You know, that's and that's why I call like like you know, from one barbecue brother to another.

I was just reaching out.

I said, man, this dude's burning over there.

So you you putting it in, man.

What what all you been cooking since since uh since we've been locked down?

I mean, you know, I kind of been, you know, experimenting with I've been doing some uh you know, doing some some different woods, uh uh cherry.

You know, I kind of mix it in, a little bit of hickory.

You know, it kind of all depends on what I'm cooking, whether it's some fish, it's you know, chicken.

I mix it up every now and then, but sometimes I have

Yeah, that's that's when I've been smelling the smoke.

Cause your your smoke, your smoke coming to my yard.

You know, I'm I'm I'm two blocks over your smoke carrying a good distance, man.

But yeah, but it's all right, though.

It's all right.

I've been I've been soaking my chips and all that stuff.

I mean, you know, I've been just trying some new techniques, you know.

Uh nothing crazy.

I think it's a good one.

Yeah, well, let me let me go say this though.

No, it ain't got me going crazy.

It's kinda got me fed up.

You fing your meat up so damn bad, dog, that I'm sitting here smelling this sh and I'm trying to figure out what are you doing.

You know, you you soaking this, you using cherry.

Hey man, if you ain't putting no no pecan or no oak in there, it's now you're you're a dude on the grill that don't know what the f you doing and that's my why you gotta cuss at me.

You I mean, I'd you you you uh uh from a real barbecue man, you don't know what the f you're doing.

No, well,

I am a I I've been in competition.

You talking about a real barbecue man.

Ain't no I mean I didn't grow up.

Ain't no way you've been in no damn competition for no barbecue, dog.

Not with the sh I'm smelling, man.

Look, I I I'm talking to you because I'm bored as f and you just gonna start cussing at me and talking about my Hey How you know what it is?

You haven't even taken it.

But dog, dog, I can I can smell it, I can smell wood in the air and know and know what's right and what's wrong.

I mean, I know we all going crazy right now, but

hey man, hey man, listen.

Here what I'm gonna I'm gonna go and say this, brother.

You ain't you ain't got cuss at me.

Okay, cool.

Cool.

I ain't gonna cuss no more.

Cool.

But let me say this.

Don't put nothing else on that mu now.

Don't put nothing else on that grill.

I swear to you, for at least a month.

I don't want to smell your smoke no more, dog.

How you gonna tell me what to do?

You don't even know me like that.

You just gonna have to smell it.

I'm just saying, I'm two blocks over and I'm tired of smelling your smoke.

I'm tired of smelling it.

You don't know what you're doing.

Don't put nothing else on that pit for at least another month.

I don't know what to tell you.

If I put some rotten tomatoes on there and I I want to smoke, you're gonna smell it.

How about that now?

Okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm I'm bored out of my fing mind.

You calling me talking sh talking.

I don't know how to do it.

Because you got the smoke in the air that smell like shit.

No, you're a fish.

You don't know what you're doing.

I do know what I'm doing.

Have you tasted it?

My sh is.

I don't want to taste it.

I don't want my off the bone.

I've been experimenting.

Okay, I did I did put some applesauce.

See, like right there, what the f is that?

You did what with some applesauce?

Hey man, don't put s on that green.

It chased me.

Okay, it's a big thing.

I'ma send you some YouTube videos so you can learn how to barbecue.

Because you're gonna quit fing the neighborhood up, dog.

Don't tell me what to do.

That don't sit right with me.

I ain't got no job right now.

You telling me what to do.

I ain't got sh in this fing house, and you just gonna tell me what to do with my file is tight, why are you wasting it on the bar?

Just quit while you're gonna do it.

No, no, I I'm trying to figure out how to stop your ass from cooking, man.

Living?

No, cooking out on the grill, and everybody got to smell some sh that we know ain't being cooked right.

I'm a barbecue man.

I know what I'm doing.

You don't, and it bothers me.

So that's why I got your number.

You gotta solve through what competition you want.

I don't have to be in no competitions.

Everybody come to get my barbecue.

Who that the bums?

No, I ain't no okay.

Hey man, hey man, listen.

You are let's let's finish just this way.

If you put something else on the grill, I'm gonna come around there and whoop your ass.

You ain't gonna do shit.

How about that?

Man, what the f is this on my damn phone?

Hey man.

Hey, this

nephew Tommy from the Steve Harvey morning show.

Your cousins

got me talking about my meeting woods and

sauces and shit.

Your cousin Trey got me to prank you, man.

That motherfucker came over here and got a plate yesterday.

I shouldn't you know what's happening?

They were over there in the corner snicking with my aunt.

I'm gonna tell you right now, he no, he ain't allowed over here at all.

I'm just he he ain't allowed over here at all.

No more.

We didn't social distance his ass.

He can hashtag it in the front and the back.

Hey man, you gotta tell me this right here.

Right here, right now.

Gerald, what is the baddest, and I mean the baddest radio show in the land.

Come on, brother.

The Steve Harvey morning show, man, with this nonsense talking about my food and sauce.