Baptism on wheels in the driveway

it now i know baptize you in the name of the father a lot of y'all been baptized you know

you've been baptized this right here this is what i decided to call a young man and let him know

some people don't take too kindly to them this right here y'all the mobile baptismal pool

take me to the water

hello hello I'm trying to reach a Mr. Wilson Campbell this is Wilson Campbell how you doing

who is this how you doing uh my name is brother Springwater man listen we uh we we got uh paid

for you by some friends of yours, and we wanted to actually call and see about scheduling

and see what you had available.

Some of my services, well, y'all planning on cutting some grass, which I do.

What kind of services do y'all have?

Actually, sir, you've got some friends that have actually spent a great amount of money on you,

and what we do is we have a baptismal on wheels service,

at their home. And Baptism on Wheels is a new company, but we've baptized over a thousand

people now. We have a truck which actually has a baptismal pool on the back of it,

and we actually come to your home and we will baptize you in your driveway and make you whole

again. So we've been... Oh, excuse me. Brother Water? Brother Spring? What's your name again?

I'm sorry. Spring Water. Spring Water. You want to come to my house and give me a baptism

my front yard we want to baptize you right there in your drive where your

friends are paid for the services and my friend what friend will pay for me to

get baptized I've been baptized already well for my understanding sir that

evidently you you had some some bumps and bruises and and and they seem to

believe that you need to be washed in clean again I mean that's all good that's

all that's all good but I mean things are I mean think that it made man I mean

don't have no problems I mean we all have a setback but for you to pull up

with your pool in front of my house to say you finna baptize me that that

doesn't make any sense to me doc I mean sometimes when some people are not able

to go to the house of the Lord and get baptized you know we're making a lot

more convenient for you when we can I don't know convenience I don't need no

convenience what I need convenience for you asking me to come to my house on a

me in my driveway does that make any sense to you brother water I mean come on if you really sit

back and think about it does that make any sense to you first of all sir that that that that's

brother spring water but what I'm trying to what I'm trying to say is holy water spring water it

doesn't make no difference to me you can't come to my neighborhood and baptize me in front of my

I don't give a damn what my prayers are telling you, man.

Which one of my prayers is going to recommend you to come to my damn house?

Sir, I'm not...

And baptize me in my...

How the fuck...

Man, that shit don't even make any sense to me.

You understand?

Sir, I'm not at any liberty to tell you who actually...

Hold up, but you're at liberty to come to my damn house and baptize me,

but you can't tell me who the hell is going to see you.

But you're not...

Man, come on.

You don't even...

Come on.

Does that make sense to you, Doc?

Come on.

That doesn't make any...

I'm going to allow you to come and bring your pool in front of my goddamn house and baptize me.

Then I'm asking you, you're supposed to be a pastor.

You're supposed to be baptized.

I'm asking you, okay, what's fun to my is sending you, you know, letting you know I need to be baptized.

You want to take you out of that liberty?

Sir, sir, all I want to know, basically, I've already been paid.

I'm coming, I'm calling asking you about your schedule.

You're not baptizing me.

I've been baptized.

I'm going to baptize you on Tuesday in your driveway.

If you come to my motherfucking house, in front of my driveway, you better bring the whole goddamn congregation, you understand?

You better bring the deacons, the brothers, the sisters, and everybody else if you think I'm going to be baptized in my goddamn driveway, you understand?

This is the problem. This is what your friends are talking about.

This is why you need to be baptized and cleansed again and washed in the blood of the Lamb.

This is what's wrong. You need to be cleansed.

That's what's wrong with you, Mr. Wilton.

What's wrong with me? No, what's wrong with you is calling me in the middle of my workday telling me I need to be baptized in front of my house.

to be baptized and go get some holy water, I go down to the church.

I don't need you coming in front of my house, making a whole goddamn circus

with all your friends and some white sheets, talking about you want to baptize me.

That shit don't make no sense to me.

From my understanding, Mr. Wilton, you've missed two Sundays already this month.

Two Sundays?

Man, I can go anywhere and get to work.

I don't need you coming here because you're telling me I missed two damn Sundays.

I'm going to miss this Sunday, too, because the football game is coming on.

I will be there Tuesday morning at 7 o'clock, and we will baptize you before you go to work on Tuesday morning.

I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

You come to my goddamn house at 7 o'clock in the goddamn morning.

I swear on your Lord, I'm going to bust your ass.

You understand me?

You will not come to my motherfucking house telling me you're going to baptize me.

I don't give a damn who paid you.

You understand?

I will drown your ass in the water.

Matter of fact, now, bring you, your deacons, and everybody else.

We're going to have a fucking pool party in that motherfucker.

You understand?

And all of this anger and all of these problems you have within you,

we are going to purge your body and get it out your system.

I don't want your ass teasing me.

I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

We're going to spring water.

That's what I'm talking about.

We're going to spring water.

You're going to get baptized on Tuesday morning.

Nigga, I don't give a damn who pays you, who calls you.

Bring your ass, and I'm going to fuck you up.

I guarantee you.

I'm going to fuck you up on sight.

I'm going to drown you on sight.

I got one more thing I want to say to you.

Man, I'm busy. You ain't got shit to say to me. I'm trying to talk to the spring water. I'm trying to talk to the guy that owes up. I'm trying to talk to all you waters. I gotta go, you understand? You ain't got shit to tell me.

I got one more thing I want to say to you as you're listening to me.

What, man?

This is Nephew Tommy from the Steve Harvey Morning Show. You just got pranked by your boy Mason.

Hello?

Let me tell you something boy

Y'all was about to bring some hell up to heaven

I was about to act a fool on y'all ass

If y'all would have showed up at my crib

You understand me?

Boy Tommy, y'all ain't got shit that's better to do

Than to sit around here

And just fuck with people

During their day

Man, I ain't never thought

Y'all could get me with this

And who the hell goes around

That kind of people

That's like wheels on wheels

baptized people with a pool on the back of your F-150.

Hey, Wilson, I got to ask you something.

What is the baddest radio show in the land?

Man, you know it's the Steve Harvey Moylan Show.