Sexy Brenda Church Prank

Hello, Greater Faith Baptist Church.

This is Brenda Washington speaking.

How may I direct your call today?

Good afternoon, ma'am.

Am I speaking with a Miss Brenda Eloise Washington?

Home address 4412 Magnolia Creek Drive.

Well, this is a church number, sir.

But yes, that's me.

Who am I speaking with?

Ma'am, my name is Gerald.

I'm a senior resolution specialist with Metro Priority Delivery Services.

I'm calling today regarding a delivery that was made to your home address this past Tuesday.

And there's been a a situation that requires your immediate attention.

A situation?

What kind of situation?

Was something damaged?

No, ma'am.

Nothing was damaged.

The package.

Was delivered successfully.

The issue is with the signature that was collected at the time of delivery.

What about the signature?

Miss Washington, the signature on file for this delivery reads, Sexy Brenda.

I beg your pardon.

Sexy.

Brenda.

Written in red ink, ma'am.

Our driver noted it in his incident log specifically.

He said, and I'm reading his exact words here, he said it was, quote, the most committed signature he had ever collected in 14 years of delivery work.

He felt it deserved documentation.

Sir, sir, I want you to understand something about me right now.

I am a licensed notary, a certified church secretary, and a 17-year member of the Greater Faith Women's Ministry.

I sign my name, Brenda E.

Washington, with my middle initial.

Sometimes I add a small cross at the end, depending on the document.

Under no circumstances, not one circumstance in my entire 58 years on this earth have I ever signed anything as sexy Brenda.

Not even as a joke.

We understand, ma'am, which is why we flagged it.

Who was in my house, Gerald?

According to the driver's notes, a young man answered the door.

He's listed as approximately mid-20s, described as wearing a do rag and house shoes, and he told our driver his name was D.

Marcus.

D.

Marcus, that is my nephew, Darnell Marcus Washington.

He has been living under my roof for 11 weeks while he gets himself together.

I have been buying that boy groceries.

I bought him a new shower curtain because he said the old one was giving him bad energy.

I see.

He's been living rent-free in my guest room, Gerald.

The guest room that has a good mattress and blackout curtains and its own bathroom.

The good bathroom with the rainfall shower head.

Ma'am, I do.

You need to discuss the nature of the package itself.

What was in the package, Gerald?

What did that boy order?

The package originated from a company called Midnight Treasures Incorporated.

They're based in Nevada, ma'am.

They are a specialty lifestyle and wellness company.

Nevada.

Yes, ma'am.

The item description on our manifest reads: Deluxe Relaxation and Enrichment Kit, Model 9, Premium Edition.

Includes carrying case, maintenance accessories, and a 47-page full color instructional guide.

47 pages.

Full color, ma'am.

Spiral bound.

Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus.

Father God, I'm going to need you to show up in this moment because I am holding the phone and I am keeping my composure, but internally I am on fire.

Take your time, ma'am.

Gerald, is this item currently in my home?

According to our delivery confirmation, the package was brought inside after signature.

Yes, ma'am.

Something from Midnight Treasures Nevada with a 47-page spiral-bound instructional guide is somewhere inside my house, in the guest room where Darnell sleeps, on my good mattress, under my blackout curtains.

That would be consistent with our records, yes.

And my women's ministry group meets at my house this Thursday, Gerald.

Every third Thursday, seven women.

We do devotional, we do prayer, we do light refreshments.

That does complicate things, ma'am.

Sister Patricia always uses the guest bathroom because she says mine smells like lavender and it calms her nerves.

She's going to walk past that room, Gerald.

She is a snoop.

She has always been a snoop.

She's going to see that package.

I understand the urgency.

I need that item out of my house before Thursday at 6 p.m.

Can you arrange a pickup?

He can schedule a retreat.

Retrieval, ma'am, but there's an additional complication I haven't mentioned yet.

There's more.

There was a second package, Miss Washington.

It arrived this morning.

Different company.

This was called the Gentleman's Curiosity Shop out of Arizona.

Also addressed to D.

Marcus at your home address.

Our driver flagged it because it's listed as requiring refrigeration.

Refrigeration.

Something in the package needs to remain between 35 and 40 degrees, ma'am.

Yes.

Darnell has been using my refrigerator.

I made him a shelf.

I labeled it Darnell with a piece of tape because I wanted him to feel at home.

He has been storing things from these companies on his shelf.

Next to my sweet tea and my meal prep containers.

Ma'am.

I labeled that shelf with love, Gerald.

I wrote his name in nice handwriting.

I put a little smiley face on it.

You put a smiley face?

What?

This has been a prank call, ma'am.

Your nephew Darnell, the real Darnell, arranged this call himself.

He contacted our service three days ago, he said, and I am quoting directly from his request form.

He said, My auntie Brenda has not laughed in six months.

She needs a wake up call.

Literally.

Please make it church appropriate enough that she doesn't have a medical event, but wild enough to shake her up.

He also paid extra for the refrigeration details specifically.

He said, and I quote, the refrigeration will push her over the edge.

Darnell.

Planned.

This.

Three days in advance, ma'am.

He wrote out his notes.

He was very thorough.

That boy sat in my guest room, in my good guest room with the blackout curtains, and planned this entire thing.

He also asked me to tell you that he got a job.

He starts Monday, warehouse supervisor trainee.

And he said to tell you, thank you for the shelf, Auntie.

I put a smiley face on my work ID because of you.

Oh Lord!

Oh, that boy, that sneaky, creative, good-hearted, rotten child.

I was about to drive home and throw every single thing in that guest room into a dumpster, including the mattress.

I had already decided to burn the shelf, Gerald.

I was going to bleach the refrigerator.

He figured you might, ma'am.

You tell Darnell that I love him.

You tell him his dinner is ready at six on Sunday.

And you tell him that when he comes to church with me this Sunday, which he will be doing, he is going to testify about this in front of the whole congregation.

Full story.

Every detail.

Because the women's ministry needs this kind of joy.

I'll pass it along, ma'am.

You have a blessed afternoon now, Gerald.

You did good work today.

Even if it was evil work, it was good evil work.

Ha ha ha.